Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
