I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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