I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
