So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
