I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
