The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
