Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
