I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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