What did we do last night that was yellow?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
