saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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