I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
