So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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