so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
