im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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