guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
