i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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