I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
