I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
