Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
