Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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