we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
