Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Randomize
