i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
