Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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