I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I got inside last night via doggy door
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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