Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
