I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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