her vagine was all disorganized.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
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My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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