Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
