Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
