It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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