If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im holly from the hills drunk
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
