My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
