I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
