I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
