I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
