Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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