Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
