You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A+ Viking dick
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
