I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
