Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its not stalking. its research.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
