When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
