I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
