There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
