it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
