i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
