I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
