tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
