So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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