He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dick very happy bro
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
