I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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