i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
