yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
