i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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