I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
