Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
