I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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