Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
