whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
